change.

I`m ready for change. I`m ready for something new,something different about the way I live my life.I wish to do this because I am obviously doing something wrong. I don`t need to be negative,I don`t need to give into any sortof evil desires,and I most certainly don`t need to put others down. I`d like God to take control,to lead me in the right direction that`s different from this one. I`m not living my life for him,and that needs to change now. I long for strength,courage,determination, and purity. I think it`s about time I try to do the right thing God would want instead of what I want.cuz I`m not the in control here,He is.I`ve made so many mustakes and committed soo many sins.tI`m ready to allow God to work om.

Very Confused.

I feel confused. Very, very confused. On January 1st, 2010. What a great way to start off the new year right?

I'm getting myself into something new. Something I thought I really wanted, but now I feel like God is giving me the answers that are showing me that maybe I shouldn't be here.
I hate that a certain someone won't get out of my head, after all this time. It's been so long. Why can't this go away? I hate it.

At the same time, positive things are going on. I felt God fill the spaces between my fingers with His. I felt His presence. I felt joy from Him. At a concert I went to not too long ago. Pure amazement. and if every day could be like that, life would be perfect<3

I really would like these insecurities to go away. They are making me go insane. Things don't have to be like this. I know what I'm here for, what I'm here to do. And all of those things have God as the center. How do I stay focused? How do I resist temptation? that is so very difficult for me right now. I feel terrible. I want to read my Bible more, and allow God to change my heart. many things need to change. so many things. and I can feel it.

Can't Break This

I've got some flowers in my hand
And I hope you understand
That you are the one I adore.

You see you're always on my mind
I think about you all the time
So let's see what we've got in store.

As you open up your door
You pick up off the floor
And kiss me like never before.

Cuz you can have the bext of me
Baby, but the worst of me
I'm gonna lock behind that door.

I think about the times we'd smile
Mess around for awhile
And the times we've both wanted more.

But we can make this
We won't break this
We can wait this out.

Cuz I see you
And I need you
Forever and now.

We got so much time on our hands
So baby don't rush our plans

{to be continued...}

My Goals

So there's a few things I kinda really want in life. Things may be hard for me to obtain, but I want them. Pretty badly.

I really wish I could wake up every morning and look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I wish I could walk around at school and be happy with what I think others see. I wish I could love myself (not conceidedly) and be happy with who I am. This is something I'm going to need help from God with though. I need to be thankful at all times for what I am. Because I am very fortunate to be able to walk and talk and all around function properly. I need to be thankful I'm not disabled physically or mentally like I could have been....

I would love to be thinner. If I were two pant sizes smaller, I'd be very happy.

I would love to be able to go swimming and not have any insecure thoughts cross my mind once.I want to excersize. Alot. I want to be able to run fast and for long periods of time.

I would love to have good grades. Particularly math. I have a tough time learning and take things a little slower than others. I would love to be able to understand math and not fear it. I would also love to not worry about my grades being low. I no longer want this to be an issue.

My parents, I want to make them happy. I want them to be proud to have me as their daughter and I don't want to let them down. This is a huge one.

If I were more involved with my school (clubs, rallies, etc.) that would be awesome. I feel like the only thing I do at school is choir. and that's a class.

and finally, there's time.especially for God.

I need to learn how to organize time better and spend most of it with Him. The one who truely is the morst important and will never leave.

These are things I would love to be true. It would mean so much to me if I could accomplish these things. Getting there would be very difficult, but I want to be there. I want to be grateful with who I am now as well though. I would love for the confusion in my heart to vanish. Feels like every other words that comes out of my mouth is either contradicting something I said earlier, or just not adding up correctly. When I'm not confused about something, when I know for a fact that I am in love with someone who I can trust with my world, my life, it's a great feeling.

Poem

I'm hurting, I'm speachless, I'm so filled with pain

Now everytime I think of you can't help but go insane.

Can't say I didn't see this coming, can't say I didn't know

But even though I was aware, I couldn't let you go

Now I have no other choice, no option but to say

It was nice the times we shared wish they wouldn't go away.

Am I hurting cuz you're not mine? could this really be?

or am I upset cuz you won't be most of the time with me?

Wish that I could let this go if only I knew how

but since you've got someone else I can't tell you now.

I'll always treasure what we had, all the moments that we shared

You were the one who made me laugh and know you truely cared.

Now I have to let you go, those times will soon fade

Off and far into the distance with other memories I've made.

The sun shown down and the sky was blue, these perfect days were long

The grass was green, when you looked at me felt like there was no wrong

Little did I know I was wrong, little could I see

These happy days wouldn't last forever not always you and me.

Goodbye my dear now off you go, wherever it may be

Somewhere where there is happiness, somewhere far from me.

You've always been so close to me, wish it could stay that way

Maybe someday we'll gain it back, maybe another summer day.

Boys

Boys are quite the mystery, and in my opinion not worth crying over. I understand and feel for the girls who have been torn apart by a guy. but the truth needs to be known: he's not worth it.

I think dating is something that should be taken seriously and handled with care. It's finding your future husband/wife. Why treat it like a game?

I'm in highschool and I no longer have the longing for a relationship now....I mean, sure I have my fairytales, like most girls, but I'm happy with where I'm at. I'm happy with knowing all the love I need is what God has. and relationships can wait. They really don't last in high school. A few do, but I just don't see it for me. I know what I want in a guy, christian, guitar player, humble, respectful...things like that, and I'm hoping maybe I'll meet him in college. I'm no longer in any sortof rush....and I like that. I like being satisfied like this. and I'm not afraid anymore.

When the time is right, I will find the answer to my prayers. but the cool thing is, I won't have to look. and I am looking forward to that! Trust and patience....I'm obtaining more of it and filled with joy.

I'm hopeful and excited.

Lord, lead the way

I love it how God always brings us back to Him. Even when it seems like we've completely lost Him, He shows how much we need Him in our lives.

Things have been a bit chaotic and jumbled up in my own heart and mind lately. Well, maybe for about two months now. I feel I have been slipping away from Him, once again. Insecurities have been overwhelming me and this heart break of mine has been incredibly painful. I am someone with a warm, soft heart. Someone who welcomes with open arms and has a tough time rejecting or hating someone. Yet, for the first time, I am experiencing true hate and true anger. Anger that scares me and I cannot believe it's me that it is inside of. This pain that I am feeling from my last break up, is unbearable...and I face it everywhere I go. It's literally everywhere I look and I have to face the feeling everyday.

My thoughts have changed tramendously and become more and more unhealthy. This is when I know I've had enough. I kept turning to people to make the pain go away. I kept turning to people to make me feel happy and comfortable with myself and my body. I turned to people to take the anger from my heartbreak away from me.

This did work for awhile, but every escape from the pain was temporary. I thank the Lord that I have loving friends and family in my life that I can turn to when I'm hurting. Though this seemed to work at first, I don't have the urge to tell the same story again and again to many.

Now I know I have had enough. I've had enough with depending on others to make me satisfied with my life. I've had enough with depending on others to take my pain away. I do not need to depend on guys to make me happy with myself. God is love. and He has shown me in so many different ways that He has always been there. Waiting for me to run back to Him. This love that He has is everlasting and not temporary. It is filling yet causes me to want more. I need Him in my life and I'm so thankful to feel this unconditional love that I know will never leave.

Alot of the time I feel like I am not capable of doing many things. I feel like I am limited. My favorite verse is Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I know I can do anything through Him. and I am here to fulfill His will. I desire to grow closer with Him and follow His plans for me. I know that I can eliminate this instense anger I am facing. I am hopeful for the life He has laid out infront of me and I pray that I will have the strength to push away any distractions and temptations.